I’m creatively unexercised. It makes me neurotic. When was I in the studio last? I feel cheated on time lately, though I know that we all are given the same number of hours, minutes and seconds every single day. Time is fair.
I check back through my day planner to see if I’m guilty of squandering my days. I don’t think I am. I’m working as hard as I can. I see the lists I’ve been making, every single day, for weeks and months — the way nothing seems to get crossed off, the way I transfer lists over into the days that follow and the pile of things to do just grows and grows. I felt hopeless today. I cried a little. I had a miniature existential crisis. I questioned my faith, my lifestyle, my food, my desire to hunt, our farm, whether or not I should blog anymore, if I’m going to lay down on my deathbed some day and regret having an Instagram account…I wondered what the heck I’m working so hard for. I wondered why I can’t just find the sweet spot with small business, the sweet spot when it comes to balancing photography, writing and metalsmithing…cease the need to constantly evolve.
I picked up my camera and it made me feel tired. I turned the studio on and just looking at my tools made me feel tired. I went outside to deal with the last of the garden. I picked the beets and carrots. I made soup. I answered emails. I fiddled the day away. This evening, I went down to water to find a little quiet and be in the wind and spitting rain. It didn’t solve any of my problems, getting all tangled up in the breeze, but I had a sense of space as I watched the rapids froth and roll and I knew everything would be ok.
Summer is over. My life is so hectic in the hot months. It takes a long time for me to settle in to the winter months, figure out how to live with Robert again and share space, slow down, sleep deeply at night and readjust to having a helper in life. I want to fast forward to the good stuff in life this winter but I know I have to patiently and calmly fight for it. So I will. So I am.
I feel completely sick about this US election — I’m not talking about the candidates (I don’t want to open that can of worms in this space — besides, I identify as a libertarian and I really have no dog in this fight), I’m talking about the way people talk to each other and treat each other and squash each others opinions and spit in each others eyes. Alienation and public shaming is the new pink. It exhausts me. When is the last time you sat down with a total stranger, asked them their opinion on this election and simply listened to what they have to say with an open mind and an open heart — connecting as humans, not clashing as enemies? I have been asking everyone I meet who they plan to vote for and everyone seems terrified by my question, at first, until they realize I’m not going to jump down their throats and make them feel like trash. I just want to know. It’s my way of understanding the people around me.
We learn by listening to each other. By hearing opinions. By being courageous and open to the idea of having our own notions changed. Are you afraid to learn and grow? Are you afraid of changing your mind? See each other. Hear each other. Listen to each other. Even if you don’t agree, be kind to each other. It’s just politics. And I think, above all, politics requires diversity. Absolute power corrupts. We need a mixed bag of kittens in Washington DC because this nation is split right down the middle and both sides of the matter deserve and require representation.
Rob just arrived home from elk hunting. Thank God. I’m going to whip us up a nice dinner. I hope you are all snug in your homes tonight. I’m so glad you are in my world.