On February 13th, I woke up in a body that is thirty years old. I’ve been dreading this number for reasons I cannot entirely wrap my hands around — so it seems there’s no way to turn it over and thoroughly discover the meaning of it, if there is a meaning. When I looked in the mirror that morning, I looked exactly as I had the day before except my hair was wavy from sleeping. I thought to myself, “Well, I suppose thirty might not be so terrible, except I feel creaky and old in my soul. Perhaps I’ve been old in my soul always, though, and this is a day just like any other?” Then I threw some warm clothing, my toothbrush and my headlamp in my backpack, tossed my skis in our truck and we all went yurting in the backcountry of big, strapping, wild and beautiful Idaho. We picked up a few friends along the way and our party of six skied into our first yurt in the dark of night. The sky was clear, winter clear, wherein the light from celestial bodies seemed to travel with dignity and diffused in slinky blue blankets of shadow and bright turning forest floors into formal places — all seemed alchemic and sweeping waltz. All seemed spun to sterling. I thought there was a tuxedo on the wilds. The snow, a diamond studded cummerbund.
Every turn I took on my skis through a thick ponderosa and fir forest pushed my verve up against the trembling of crystals and the bluster of minutia. Orion went striding before me. Perhaps I moved like Pegasus, all whistle and windsong, all waxen heart and wingspan. You can fall into a rhythm that defeats time and so believe you’ll live forever, even when you’re ashes to ashes and turned to dust. So I did. I lived one million forevers until we arrived at our yurt, struck up a fire and broke our bread together while sipping our wine.
Is there anything better than being warm with fire, warm with wine and warm with company on a winter night in the woods?
The next day we strapped skis on our feet again, cruised through the sunshine and snow and felt it all again.
It was a good to be Idahoan.
It was a good to be me.
It was good to be alive.
Turning thirty, rolling over into a new decade of my life, has caused a bit of consternation and a vast amount of reflection. While nothing particular has changed about me and my life, everything seems different. I am, as always, the keeper of a heart that is most dichotomous, branching and breaking, foundering and flying, living and dying. It’s all sort of beautiful, this quick and this dead. If I could compress this past year of my life, roll it into a simply singing atom in the palm of my hand, it would mean all of this: Life is the sum of dark and light.
And so, it seems, it’s ever onward and upward.
Thanks for being here last year. Thanks for being here this year.
I’m thirty and everything is going to be more than alright.
xx
PS Happy Valentine’s Day to you all! You’re my favorite lovers.
Oh Plume, Happy belated birthday! And I understand you so well. Turning 30 was a bit of a (mental) upheavel for me as well. It was last April and I actually had a mini-crisis of sorts a couple of months before. I think when seemingly large landmark numbers roll into our horizons it’s easy to look at yourself and wonder where you’re at, how you came to be, where you’re going, what’s been done and what’s left to do. I made some big changes and I can honestly say I am 150% happier this year than I was last and that my 30s are going to be the most magical decade of my life. I’m sure the same will be true for you as well 🙂
Onward and upward, Plume!
Cathy!
Thank you for all you said here. Turning thirty is a funny sort of switcharoo! I remember turning twenty and looking ahead to all the things I would do. Now I feel as though I am looking back at some of the things I have done…a bit like I’m seeing the fruition of dreams instead of dreaming them. It’s strange, isn’t it?
This is not to say I’m done dreaming.
Oh no. Not at all!
But I’ve officially lived a good portion of life now and life requires more reflection than it ever has before.
xx
looks like a fabulous trip 🙂
I especially love the photo of one pup pulling the other in th crate / sled!
such glee.
xxoo
It was, dear lady! You would have loved it!
And Tater as a sled dog is more entertainment than any one person should experience. He and Farley are such champs!
Welcome home, and welcome to your 30s, you’re going to be just fine!
Late birthday package ahoy!
B,
Thank you, dear heart.
xx
Happy birthday! 30 is young, young, YOUNG! Enjoy it!
That puppy pulling the other puppy in the crate had be busting out laughing!!!
Merja!
SO nice to see you here!
You’re right, 30 is young.
Glad Tater had you laughing!
xx
Aloha 30’s!!! Looks like a beautiful adventure, filled with the love and light of friendship, and the beauty of your beloved Idaho. Sending you mucho love for this next chapter in life…I have to say, I think I am more comfortable in “me” since I turned 30, for whatever reason it turned out this way, I seem to have been blessed with more love than ever before! Oh, and that shot of Farley hauling the kennel with the puppy inside is AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sierra, thank you! This is what I always hear from the 30-somethings — that it’s wonderful and leaving our 20s behind is freeing!
Hug a turtle for me this week.
xx
Happy Birthday Jillian! It will be all beautiful and glorious, now and later, when you look around you most of the time and look within you part of the time…an atom dancing among the rest.
I love your writing. xx
Dear Beauty — I know you are right.
You might love my writing, but I love your love.
xx
Happy Birthday! 🙂 I’m two years behind and I already feel it looming on the horizon. The pups are too cute and look like they’re thoroughly enjoying themselves!
Lana!
DO NOT FEAR!
That said, live the heck out of your 20s. 🙂
It makes looking back MUCH more fun.
The pups had a great time on this trip. I meant to get a photograph of Farley pulling his sled as well but none of them turned out! Next time!
xx
30 – so young!! Happy Belated Birthday!! Looks like you had a great one.
The 30s were great years – I finally stood up and was myself (if you know what I mean). Said what I meant and meant what I said. I learned to ride, and bought a horse (whom I still have in his retirement), built a house; and lived a whole lot of life along the way. I also made a deal with myself that every decade (at minimum) I would learn something new.
Enjoy 30, and then enjoy the rest of the 30s! However, my Mother in law, as well one of my long time friends told me when I turned 40 that that is the best decade of your life!! (They could be right, I’m not sure since I’m only 6 months into 50.) Something for you to look forward to!
PS – love the pup pulling pup photo!
I think I do know what you mean — this is what most girls tell me. Turning thirty finally put them into mostly exactly who they are……if you know what I mean…. 🙂
oh oh oh oh oh oh oh sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awesome!!!!
Happy Birthday Lovely Fellow Canadian Sister!
i have yet to read all the text…will have to come back for that
sneaking itme between clients lol
anyhooooo
the pics are thrilling enough for me at this point
OMG
soooo loven’ it all
puppy in back pack
puppy pulling puppy
skiing
snow
yurt
love
birthday goodness
oh yeah
it is ALL here
and about 30…
well as one who has b
walked through the 30’s I say to you lovely spirit ENJOY!
lots of self discovery happens in this next season
heart growth
spirit soaring
all the good stuff
oh no I think I hear my vlient…gotta run
Love and Light
ps I really think you should come over and enter my giveaway…I am pretty sure there is something there that might speak to your heart : )
Cat!
You make me laugh!
Thanks for being here and for all the birthday merries — I’ll pop by your blog to see what you’re up to!
xx
What a fantastic way to celebrate turning 30! Congratulations!!
Thanks!
I wish you all best in your next year and in your newly begun decade. What a promising way to celebrate this next stage!
I thought so too — Rob always does a beautiful job of planning my birthday trip!
Happy birthday, Jillian! And welcome to the club of 30-ers lol 🙂
I’ve joined it half year ago 🙂
Yes, and it feels like it will be a beautiful decade! Sure!
warm hugz, yurt girl 🙂
There’s a club?
There was never a club for the 20s.
This is better already!
LOL! 😀
we of old soul realize all you speak of: branching and breaking, dark and light.
i feel no older than are you at this very moment yet my creaky ol’ bones won’t let me skip and glide as when they were 30.
i pray to still be your friend you when you are 56 and i am 82.
xx
I pray the same.
xx
Happy birthday beautiful aquarian soul! Your writing, your beauty, your verve has been such a gift of discovery to me this year! May your 30th year be filled with light and adventure….
And…if it’s any consolation: I dreaded 30 too…but my thirties have been so, so much fuller, deeper, broader than my twenties were!
Christina!
Thanks for being here! And thanks for being in my life this year.
All love.x
We should be giving you presents… instead you presented us with the loveliest of gifts with your pictures and your musings of your birthday. Happy (belatedly) b-day, and welcome to The Thirties. I’ve reached The Forties, and everything seems to get better with age!
🙂
We’ll call it a potlatch in the truest West coast native tradition!
xx
Oh, happy, happy birthday to you, dear poetgirl. Skiing into thirty by sterling-silver starlight seems like the very most perfect way to start another decade. xoxo
I put the capital S in SWOOSH. 🙂
Thank you for the birthday merries!
xx
The turning of a decade is always a mental adjustment. I can still remember the day I turned 20, and was out driving, and looked at my hands and thought how old they looked. Now, I snort with laughter over that goofiness! Sometimes I wish we were like the backwoods women of Appalacia (or any other very isolated place) a couple hundred years ago, who lived their whole lives not really knowing their age. There would be such freedom in that! When your cycle was the only real indicator of where you were on the journey.
I’m 39 now, and looking back I can say in all honesty that this decade has been the best so far! I’m sure it will be for you, too 🙂
I wonder what it is that truly made me fear this decade — perhaps the pressure our culture puts on women to look like they’re 20 when they’re 50, delicate petals, tight skinned beauties for all of time.
Not so here.
I’ve had the life of an outdoors woman. And I look like it.
Thanks for being here!
x
Such beautiful pictures. Thank you for sharing your magnificent birthday with us all. Wishing you good health & much happiness in your lifetime.
Thank you!
x
happy belated day! it looks like a true celebration.
maybe this time maker of life only bring you the very best of energy and inspiration colored with your beautiful experiences.
much love to you and yours.
Thanks, sweet lady.
xx
Happy Birthday (belated :)!! Beautiful reflections and gorgeous words. Honestly, I was so surprised to read you are only 30!!–an old soul indeed ;). I only began to understand this in my thirties: “Life is the sum of dark and light.” And if you are already understanding this now, I would say your thirties will be amazing…
Many many happy returns
xo
I think I’ve been understanding this for a couple of years now but it really hit home this summer when I realized that life isn’t fair but it’s equal. 🙂 Thanks for being here, beauty. x
You share a birthday with my Grandmother, she turned 89…
Happy Birthday Plume…May you fly free and wide this year…
xo
Happy birthday to your beautiful grandmum!
I hope I fly free and wide forever.
x
happy belated birthday! these photos are fabulous – it looks like you had a great time celebrating! here’s hoping the rest of your year is just as grand!!
Indeed! Thank you! x
Happy Birthday Peanut butter and Jilly sandwich!!!! It’s most certainly a reflective year for me as well and although 30 once seemed impossibly old…can you imagine being anything but? Can you imagine wanting anything more? I can’t and from this post I know you can’t either. xoxoxo
HA HA!!!
The only thing I TRULY want now is a patch of dirt in the North Cascades with a YURT ON IT! HEE HEE!!!!! 🙂 Love you, friend. x
Happy Belated Birthday! Looks like you had a fabulous time:) You are indeed an old soul (it takes one to know one)…we get better with age my dear, our bodies slowly catching up with the ponderings & putterings of our ancient souls 🙂 May this be your best year yet! XoXo
Johanna — thank you, sweet oldie. xx
Happy Birthday to you!
I feel your 30 angst. You still have so much to do and learn and decide. If I could write a letter to myself at 30 I would say, “Don’t be afraid. Some things won’t work out the way you expected, but many, many will be even better than you dreamed. Practice these things: patience, suppleness, courage, trust, creativity. Nurture your relationships. Pay attention. If you know what the right thing is, do it. If you don’t know what the right thing is, do your best anyway. It will make a difference to you later. You are incredibly blessed, and you’re going to be fine.”
But you should know that there is something really great about getting older. When you hit your 50s you realize you pretty much figured it out, whether you meant to or not. And, like pencilfox (*waves to pencilfox*), I hope to still be your friend all those years from now.
I LOVE your letter and I may sit down and write myself one this morning with the help of a cup of tea and my slippers. Thanks for being in my life, you wise woman. All love, x
And, as always, I am a blob of buttah rolled in delicious mushiness when it comes to Penelope.
HA HA!!!! Wish I could send her to you for summer camp this year! 🙂
OK! She can play with my old-lady aussies!
30?! You’re young! There’s so much ahead!
Those dogs are awesome. You live a life surrounded by and made of beauty. I can see it!
I think this is true.
It is surrounded by and built of beauty.
I’m going to keep it this way.
x
I love those Sawtooths.
They whispered that they miss you.
x
I know what you mean about the pondering and not knowing. It is a funny thing, age, I’ve always felt so indifferent to it but my husband is turning 30 in a few days and I will soon too and something does feel “different”… but the same. There’s a new meaning to things, as usual you’ve wrapped your writing around it to the point your re-discover that IT IS okay. Isn’t it fun to just ponder and arrive at the sure thing? 🙂 Happy 30th Plume, you are a lovely soul.
It’s like this, I thought I was an adult when I turned 20, but I think my 20s were a sort of prolonged sort of adolescent period in the span of a lifetime. Perhaps now that I’m 30, I’m really an adult? Able to focus more outwardly…able to process my emotions…able to sort out the web of confusion that results from being human and interacting with other humans who are just as complicated…….maybe. Just maybe.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
x
happy birthday! 30 is definitely a milestone and while it is not old, it is a change. I am sure you will do wonders in your next decade!
Well I hope so!
It would really be the pits if I dropped the ball!
HEE HEE!!!
Thanks Cori!
x
What a fantastic way to celebrate a birthday, OR valentines day. A plan may be in the works for my husband for next year thanks to this blog post!
Kaelee, I hope he comes up with something brilliant!
And I hope it involves snow. 🙂
happy belated birthday! i too felt a bit of reservation and consternation upon turning thirty, more than i ever had before or since. it did seem like some sort of line to cross, which i wasn’t sure i was quite ready for. i think you’ll step into it beautifully, with your usual grace and joy. looks like a wonderful trip in the snow!
I’m glad I’m not alone! Is this your year of 30 too?
x
happy 30th beautiful beautiful you.
what a lovely way to bring it in, turning the page as the pegasus through the fairytale land of the magical majestic wood. at 36 (and a half) i can tell you for me it’s been some of the loveliest years yet. growing in me my excitement for the years to come & in the same breathe reminding me to cherish what is right now the best i can.
again, here’s to a wonderful 30th!
Such a meaningful (and icy!) way to mark a milestone in your lovely life of thirty years; you will only grow more in beauty and wisdom. Happy Birthday!
Happy Birthday. Don’t let 30 get you down. You’ve lived and loved the life you wanted. I’ll tell you what my mother tells me on my birthdays– X was a great year. Really, 30 was fabulous!
D
what a delightful way to bring in a new decade! yurting! skiing! soul-searching amongst loved ones & glistening winter! 30 brings forth an even deeper sense of self, so dear Plume, you will be exploding with discovery and soulfulness! happy (belated) birthday!
also, that photo of a backpacking Dachshund just about slew me with cute. xox