I’ve locked my keys in the truck twice in the past three days. It’s totally embarrassing. My brains are tired. I’ve been working so much. Every day I have this massive yearning to escape to the woods or a mountain top or the river — to lay down and just breathe a little and relax and not strain my eyes or feel my shoulders and neck tensing as I saw out ten thousand little bits and pieces of metal. I’m overwhelmed by the feeling as soon as I roll out of bed. But still I come to the studio to work. It’s not joyless work, not at all, but I am getting tired and ready for a break. And there is rest coming to me.
A friend told me to not work too hard. I replied, “It’s my hard work that gives value to my successes. I will work as hard as I can.”
Yesterday, while waiting for Robert to save me from being locked out of my truck, I was sitting in a pile of rocks at the post office and feeling so angry with myself for being such an idiot and wasting time that I couldn’t afford to waste — especially since as I was hopping out of the truck I thought to myself, “Do NOT lock your keys in the truck!” And then I did anyway.
I realized it didn’t do anyone any good for me to get all crusty and terrifying about my life situation. I could feel myself beginning to tornado. And just like that, I stopped it. I quit it, cold turkey. When Robbie arrived I think he expected me to be outwardly frustrated with myself and the planet and the chipmunks and the beautiful wind in the trees. Instead he found me pleasant and peaceful and simply OK with the mistake I had made and the time it had cost me.
I caught him off guard with my peace.
Sometimes all you have to do is choose the other thing.
I think it’s probably always as easy as simply choosing the other thing: love, peace, kindness, joy, forgiveness…
Just choose them.
Over and over again.
My friend sent me a small poster that says, “RESISTANCE of the heart against business as usual.” I look at it constantly as I work and am becoming my own little rebel unto myself, making the changes that need making, destroying old habits, learning new rhythms, and being ok. Just being ok.
It’s so beautiful on base right now. Quiet. Golden. We had the mess hall to ourselves last night. We cooked gorgeous ribeye steaks, roasted garden squash, chopped salsa, sipped gin & tonics, played Bob Dylan on the stereo and chit chatted about our plans for the winter. I love this time of year. We’re about to break away from it all and I’m ready to run free.